Author Topic: Breaking news: Failed assassination attempt on the US President  (Read 2412 times)

Offline cantbearmaros

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Breaking news: Failed assassination attempt on the US President
« on: December 08, 2014, 10:55:13 AM »
Groups mourn over what has recently happened at the White House, what seemed like just another day in the office has turned into a nightmare for the US President, Abraham Lincolt.

"While visiting a shelter for the rich people, he had stumbled upon a pretty good prostitute" - Says Secret Service Agent driving the limousine.

"I was okay with it since I knew I'd get some pussy too so I was like why not? And yeah, we drove back to the White House, they went upstairs and I returned to my casual duties." - Says concerned Secret Service Agent.

Unknown to the President, the prostitute was actually a hired assassin by the Shemale Rights Association (SRA), the Shemale proved to be awfully inefficient in killing the President due to issues with female hormones overriding male hormones.   

I heard all this ruckus and thought, woa, president gettin' some right-wing pussy. - Says the concerned and not fired yet Secret Service Agent.

But then I heard even more ruckus, like, shit, I thought to myself, better check what's poppin'. As soon as I open the doors, I see this crazy bitch swinging her purse at the President who's pretty much healthy as ever at this point. I withdrew my 9mm and I just fired a whole clip at her, didn't even hit her once but it was a good distraction.  - Says, the uh, not fired yet and completely inaccurate Secret Service Agent.

So, thanks to the inefficiency and another valued proof that female hormones are twice as weak as male, the President had another day to live. He was leaving his post and was descending downstairs, towards the crowd, addressing them:

Fellow Americans - I wi-

Those were his last words, Fellow Americans - I wi, as he tripped over the stairs and fell down, breaking his neck and dying instantaneously.

Congress had this to say

He might've been corrupt. But we need more Secret Service Agents like Daniel here, who kept his nose high and used his weapon at the earliest convenience he could.

In other news, due to the Vice Presidents' clean criminal record, he will be unable to step in line for presidency, the Congress had already made a decision to hire one of the completely uneducated men found in the nearby forests of Las Vegas, the mans' suspicious activity with wolves and tons of abandoned wooden shacks had made him a great candidate for the next presidency, here is what he had to say today:

Uh... yo, we should treat the wolves with a bit more respect - not like I'm with them, y'know, but, oh- and also, we should do more blood tests nowadays.

Is the attempted assassination of the US President Abraham Lincolt going to be used to leverage against women rights? We don't know, but the White House has already confirmed that women will be no longer allowed to drive following the next day, rumors have it that due to female work strength, most females will be replaced with males, this meaning that females will no longer have any job options left. This is Katy Ferry, with CNT, live from New Dork City. 



when youre natively english but cant speak it

Offline Angels And Demons

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Re: Breaking news: Failed assassination attempt on the US President
« Reply #1 on: December 08, 2014, 12:16:32 PM »
The blood of the heroes is closer to God than the ink of the philosophers and the prayers of the faithful.

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Re: Breaking news: Failed assassination attempt on the US President
« Reply #2 on: December 08, 2014, 12:18:56 PM »
*Sully watches the hilarious news as he says

Someone's gotta' stop these anti-Christ feminist shemale pieces of shit.

Offline Nico

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Re: Breaking news: Failed assassination attempt on the US President
« Reply #3 on: December 08, 2014, 12:47:33 PM »
"'Bout time." - Butch.

Offline B[E]N

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Re: Breaking news: Failed assassination attempt on the US President
« Reply #4 on: December 08, 2014, 02:12:29 PM »
((WTF is this shit?))

Katniss Powell: What the fuck?
Kurt Hetfield: What the fuck? *double facepalm*
Griffith Murray: Aye, what teh fuck?!

Offline Matthews

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Re: Breaking news: Failed assassination attempt on the US President
« Reply #5 on: December 08, 2014, 02:14:28 PM »
**Franklyn would be hearing what happened from bunch of people talking in parking lot, then says some words to himself**

Franklyn Blake: He deserved it... I hope they succeed next time..

Offline Drifter

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Re: Breaking news: Failed assassination attempt on the US President
« Reply #6 on: December 08, 2014, 02:16:32 PM »
((Secret Service with bad firearm discipline?
Give that man some training.
Can't just watch Collateral then put on a suit and be Vincent.))

Offline John Rodriguez

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Re: Breaking news: Failed assassination attempt on the US President
« Reply #7 on: December 08, 2014, 02:28:27 PM »
((Secret Service with bad firearm discipline?
Give that man some training.
Can't just watch Collateral then put on a suit and be Vincent.))

(( So out of this all, you mention the secret service with bad fire discipline; because the president hooking up with a prostitute is just another day in the office. lmao ))

*Catherine takes word of the news and remains with a dull looking face; clearly unamused as she then heads out of her house, a smile emerging at the sun's ray.*

Offline Drifter

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Re: Breaking news: Failed assassination attempt on the US President
« Reply #8 on: December 08, 2014, 02:38:47 PM »
((Secret Service with bad firearm discipline?
Give that man some training.
Can't just watch Collateral then put on a suit and be Vincent.))

(( So out of this all, you mention the secret service with bad fire discipline; because the president hooking up with a prostitute is just another day in the office. lmao ))

*Catherine takes word of the news and remains with a dull looking face; clearly unamused as she then heads out of her house, a smile emerging at the sun's ray.*
(( President's gotta do what the Pres's gotta do man, but his Security should be on point. ))

Offline Tom.

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Re: Breaking news: Failed assassination attempt on the US President
« Reply #9 on: December 08, 2014, 02:39:46 PM »
((Secret Service with bad firearm discipline?
Give that man some training.
Can't just watch Collateral then put on a suit and be Vincent.))

(( So out of this all, you mention the secret service with bad fire discipline; because the president hooking up with a prostitute is just another day in the office. lmao ))
[/color][/b][/i]
(( It was after JFK ;) ))

Offline MangaMinX

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Re: Breaking news: Failed assassination attempt on the US President
« Reply #10 on: December 08, 2014, 03:39:37 PM »
*Ranko Megan Johnson was fixing her floorboards when the news came on with the news*
F*** YYYYOOOOOOUUUUUU!!!!!
*She then proceeds to throw the hammer in her hand at the tv, destroying it.*

Watch me spin mom! Weeeeeeee~

"I am also spinning mom, Watch me!"

Awide

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Re: Breaking news: Failed assassination attempt on the US President
« Reply #11 on: December 08, 2014, 05:24:41 PM »
*Nighils is listening to the news while he's speeding on the highway with a random car.

[Swedish] Hahaha, and it's just the beginning. Stupid mortals.

Offline Austin Jackson

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Re: Breaking news: Failed assassination attempt on the US President
« Reply #12 on: December 08, 2014, 09:40:34 PM »
*Austin Jackson watches the news story on tv he gets a angry look on his face*

Austin Jackson says: Goddamnit, why these fuckers trying to basically be sexist pricks? next time I'll murder the fucker myself! hmph.



*Austin Jackson turns off the tv walking outside of his house towards Angela's*
Department of Justice | Defence Attorney Austin Jackson

Christine Masters | Werewolf

Offline Duncan

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Re: Breaking news: Failed assassination attempt on the US President
« Reply #13 on: December 09, 2014, 01:00:15 AM »
(( idk if im missing  something or not, but how is it ATTEMPTED if he DIED? ))
in addition to the above I'm smarter than you so if this is an argument I win.

Offline Tom.

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Re: Breaking news: Failed assassination attempt on the US President
« Reply #14 on: December 09, 2014, 01:08:31 AM »
(( idk if im missing  something or not, but how is it ATTEMPTED if he DIED? ))
(( assassination failed, he ended up fucking up though. so the title still stands ))