Author Topic: Ava_Tremble ;; Namaru ;; Ravener  (Read 627 times)

Online Seaside

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Ava_Tremble ;; Namaru ;; Ravener
« on: May 17, 2018, 04:07:41 PM »
Demon Application

General Knowledge:

1. Write a definition of what a demon is according to you. (200 words minimum)

Demons are formerly angels, or Elohim, who defied the Creator out of love for humanity. Demons, before their rebellion, were angels of creation, following the will of God to shape His desires to reality. They were divided to 7 Celestial Houses. The Heralds, the Guardian Angels, the Artificers, the Seers, the Nereids, the Lords of Wood and Claw, and the Reapers. Each had their own purpose, their own mission, and their own abilities. These angels created the world according to their own abilities, for example, the Artificers shaped the lands, the Nereids animated the seas and oceans, the Reapers ended life in order to give way for new ones. Anyway, after their defeat from the wars during the Time of Atrocities, the demons were sent to a void, a place of despair. They were imprisoned there for a very long time that five great maelstroms have already passed. After the sixth storm, the gates of Hell made a crack big enough for some of the fallen to escape. But following a good news is always bad news. As soon as they would escape the Abyss, they would be pulled back to Hell by a force, as if it's telling them that their place was not in this world, but in the Abyss. Demons have found a way to resist this force. They would possess those who are poor in spirit, the needy, the depressed, basically anyone who isn't happy. When a demon possesses a host, a mortal, they receive all of the host's memories from day one to present. They would feel every feeling mortals felt, and it would be very new to them. Demons also have two traits that are very useful for them; Faith and Torment. Faith is the source of the energy of their invocations. Before the war, every angel receive their source of Faith from the Almighty. But after they rebelled and defied Him, they weren't allowed to get through that source anymore. They would cling to mortal Faith instead through pacts and thralls, and convincing. Even ravaging Faith from them that would cause their victim much harm. If a demon doesn't have access to a bit of Faith, he looses his inner demon. He starts to age like a normal person, unable to invoke invocations like a normal person, and unable to access their apocalyptic form. Torment is the level of cruelty a demon has become. Wherein Torment can give off a bad effect, it also comes useful during combat. A tormented Asharu may use his invocations to poison a human being. And if demons cling to their cruel selves, their apocalyptic form start to change, making the demon look like a more dark and harsh creature. Torment can be decreased and increased. An unexpected selfless deed would decrease a demon's torment while a cruel deed would raise it.

2. What do you believe a demon's purpose in the world is? (100 words min.)

A demon's purpose in the physical word would greatly depend on their demonic faction. Some of the fallen may accept their human nature and live as a human (a rare case) or some may become what we believe they are now: cruel, selfish, and soul-eating spirits. A demon who has aligned himself with the philosophies of the Raveners would gather much resources to help them in their main goal which is to destroy the world. A demon who understands and dedicates himself to the missions of the Cryptics would try their best to find the answers of their own and the majority of the Fallen army's questions. A demon who lacks and seeks Faith to power their evocations which would make them strong follow the doings of the Faustians. A demon who regretted their decisions to leave the Almighty Host and defy the Creator tend to reconcile and help humanity as they walk in the earth. These are the demons of the Reconcilers faction. Lastly, the demons who align themselves in the Luciferans faction are loyalists of Lucifer and would seek for him, wishing that he would resume the Age of Wrath.

Some demons who escaped the Abyss after the Sixth Great Maelstrom were also commanded by the demon's True Name by their superiors who were too big to slip through the cracks. Those commands may be one of the demon's purpose

3. What would a demon's personality be like? How would it differ when compared to an angel's? (150 words min)?

A demon's personality would also depend on their faction, which is basically their view on the world. In order for Faustians to gain their favored Faith, they have to be manipulative, seductive, and convincing to their audiences. In return, if the audience is convinced by the Faustians, their Faith is for the Faustians to take. For the Cryptics to answer their questions, they have to ask questions too that would lead them to their answers, just as how a detective would question witnesses to gain their first lead. For the Reconcilers to be reconciled, they have to be innocent and act like a literal angel, convincing the Creator, if He's still there, that the demon wants to reconcile for his actions. Raveners have to be strong, strict, and cruel in order for the others to fear them. If many fears the Ravener, he may use that fear to do whatever he wants, in this case, the destruction of the world. Luciferans have to be dedicated to finding Lucifer. They may get any and all available information about any demon activity, may it be possession, hunting, or communication. If anything leads to Lucifer, that's where they'll find.

An angel's personality is one very different from a demon's. Wherein demons have different philosophies, different goals, an angel, I believe, only has one. Or two. Obey the Almighty, wipe out evilness from the world.  An angel may be kind, compassionate, merciful, but demons, excluding Reconcilers, can be the opposite.

4. Do demons possess any human traits? (100 with a justification)

A demon in his apocalyptic form possesses traits, but not literally humanly traits. They were created special by the Almighty, and therefore are different from humans. When the demon takes over a mortal, he achieves full access on their memories, information, emotions, etc, basically anything a normal human has. When the demon attempts to hide their true nature and blend in with humanity, human traits can be real useful. Without a mortal host, the demon is a supernatural being and is over the level of normal.

So basically, the short answer for this is that demons do not possess human traits. At least not until they have a mortal host, then they have traits a normal human has.

5. What do you know about Sebettu? (100 words min)

The Sebettu is the Seven Celestial Houses of Angels and Demons alike, divided by God. Each House has their own part during the creation of the world. The chronological order of the creation of the houses depends on the importance of a certain house, for example, the Heralds are the angels who relay God's orders to the other angels, the Guardian Angels give the breath of life, and so on.

The Namaru - The Namaru, the Devil, was the First House created. They were once the heralds and messengers of God.

The Asharu - The Asharu, the Scourge, was the Second House created. They were once the guardian angels of humanity and gave them the breath of life.

The Annunaki - The Annunaki, the Malefactor, was the Third House created. They were the molders and shapers of the Earth.

The Neberu - The Neberu, the Fiend, was the Fourth House created. They were the authors of the stars and fate itself.

The Lammasu - The Lammasu, the Defiler, was the Fifth House created. They animate the waves and movements of the rivers and oceans..

The Rabisu - The Rabisu, the Devourer, was the Sixth House created. The Rabisu were the Angels of the Wild, protecting and enriching nature, making it available for the creations of life.

The Halaku - The Halaku, the Slayer, was the Seventh and Last House created. They end life in order for a new one to come through.




Character developement:

Name: Ava_Tremble
True Name:
House: Namaru / Devil
Faction: Ravener
Beginning Common Lore (1): Lore of the Fundament
Beginning House Lores (2): Lore of Flame, Lore of the Celestials.
Low-Torment Apocalyptic Form Capabilities (4):

Lordly Mien (2pt. Visage): The demon's aura of divine authority reduces the difficulty of Manipulation and Charisma rolls by 2.
Radiant Aura (1pt. Visage): The demon's body is covered by multicolored hues which increase the diff of ranged attacks by 1.
Enhanced Survival (2pt. Visage): The difficulty of all Survival rolls decrease by two.
Improved Initiative (1pt. Visage): Add two to the demon's initiative score.

High-Torment Apocalyptic Form Capabilities (4):

Gaping Maw (2pt. T.Visage): The difficulties of bite attacks decrease by two and inflicts Strength+4/A damage.
Cloak of Shadows (2pt. T.Visage): The demon is shrouded in a pall of darkness. Difficulty of stealth rolls decrease by two.
Cloak of Shadows (Continued): Blind Fighting rules apply when attacking the demon.
Scales (3pt. T.Visage): The fallen gains 4 dice to soak any type of damage.
Dread Gaze (3pt. T.Visage): Anyone who meets the gaze of the demon and fails a Willpower (diff 7) roll forfeits their action.

Reference For Each Apocalyptic Form Capability And To Which House Does It Belong To:

Lordly Mien - Devil - Demon the Fallen Player's Guide p. 101
Radiant Aura - Devil - Demon the Fallen Player's Guide p. 101
Enhanced Survival - Devourer - Demon the Fallen Player's Guide p. 102
Improved Initiative - Common Form - Demon the Fallen Player's Guide p. 99

Gaping Maw - Common Form - Demon the Fallen Player's Guide p. 99
Cloak of Shadows - Fiend - Demon the Fallen Player's Guide p. 103
Scales - Devil - Demon the Fallen Player's Guide p. 101
Dread Gaze - Devil - Demon the Fallen Player's Guide p. 101



Character Story:(Min. 2000 words specifying his purpose and how he escaped the abyss)

Spoiler for Hidden:
My new adventure in this new physical world started. It all started on the year 1999. The sixth great Maelstrom, at last. We had our freedom. After a lot of millennia in the dark void of the Abyss, we were finally given a chance to experience the what we call "new world".

There's been a lot of changes since I last saw it. The Time of Atrocities damaged the well-being of the earth. There may be a possibility that the angels made the world back to its perfection, but humanity's ignorance didn't budge.

None of that matters now. We can finally escape this lonely Pitt and resume the war!

I flew through the crack and past through the earth, seeing the modern and advanced technologies mankind has made. I raised my head heavenward, preparing myself for any angel to descend, but to my surprise there was none. Then looked down and saw the body of a man who was weeping. As I stared at the man, I felt some of its pain and anguish. Not only that, I also felt a force pulling me back to the Abyss. I was seconds before I'd be banished again, then I had an idea. Possession. If I could possess the man, or in other words, be with the man, then maybe I can escape this pull too. Narisawa, the man that caught my attention, was the only person I could find. I went in him without doubt and I experienced the life of humanity.

I felt every feeling, vibration, movement, and emotion a human body produced. It was like my soul reborn in a physical body. Then after a split second, all the memories came to me. I saw and accessed every single memory Narisawa had. I reached to the event that happened not a minute ago, where Narisawa was robbed by a group of men. The group left him after beating him up. When he was almost near the Halaku's grasp, that's when I possessed him. So, basically, I can say that I save the man's body...but perhaps not his soul. Wherever his soul is, I hope that I could say my apologies. I got up and looked around. There was no one else but me in the alley. I tried to walk and see if I could catch up with the group of men who just attacked me...or Narisawa. Soon enough, after a few minutes of walking, I saw the same men beating up another guy. I called them and warned them to stop it. Obviously, that made them pissed. They started to walk towards me. When they were like a few inches away from me, I accesses my inner demon and burned their clothes. They ran away, screaming, and the man they attacked...let's just say he saw a magic show for free. I nodded at him and walked away.

Damn, you should really try the best feeling in the world when you get your first kills. Not sure if they died, but that counts as a kill. Anyway, as I was walking away from that previous scenario, I met this dude Takeshi. He said he saw me light those dudes up to flames. The good part was that he was one of my fallen brothers. I knew him as Ravash'ad before, during, and after the War. Anyway, we quite bonded for a while but obviously, we both had to part ways. Oh, and I accessed Narisawa's memories for abit, searching for some answers about the guy he recently flamed. Apparently, the men were part of a known group called The Yakuza. Some sort of illegal gang involved in almost every type of crime. From a petty theft to a bank robbery. Anyway, I also found a reason why those men robbed and almost killed Narisawa. Narisawa knew a lot about the Yakuza. Lucky me, I can access those memories easily and lighten up each and every member of the group and lead them to their extinction. Hey, maybe I can be the hero of the day, who knows? So I get to my mission. I started to travel. Then I saw a member of the Yakuza. How did I know, you ask? Simple. They all have this symbol on their hand where they always cover. But if you find yourself some luck, it may be seen if they accidentally uncover it. Anyway, they were talking to another group of tough-looking men. I called to them again, and to my surprise, they knew me. Hey, that's something. Again, they moved towards me, pretty upset. I'll leave the rest to you guys who wants to guess what happened after.

Second set of kill. Not bad, still a good feeling, but not better than my first set. Narisawa's emotions seemed upset at the gang in general, so I just went with the flow. Oh, and after the "flaming up", I saw Takeshi again, not far from me. I acted like I didn't notice him but I'm pretty sure he's watching me. Don't know why, but I'll leave him to his own business. Anyway, I didn't kill all of them...or flame all of them, if you're wondering. I'm not that stupid. Narisawa's memories about Yakuza were limited, so I had to find another source. I captured one of the members of the gang, hoping to find some answers. At that time, I felt like both the bad guy and the good guy. I got him to talk a few hours after. A little bit of burns and fear did great help on getting me answers. So, I found out that they have this local den where they meetup with some of the members of different positions in the gang. My source told me the leader may not be there and I just believed him. He was like on a truth serum, anyway. So I went there, feeling confident as ever. On my way, I think I spotted Takeshi following me again. Didn't stop him. I knew he didn't have the guts to attack his brothers, so I just didn't mind him. I arrived there. It was more of a small hut. I didn't step an inch away from it, knowing they might have the guns. I could hear their chatter and laughs from the outside. Hysterical laughs. Eh, not a topic I should be concerned on. I just went for it, hoping their laughs would turn to helpless cries and frightened screams. I burned it down.

So the hut burned down. Nice. But there were some who escaped. I think it was alot. I didn't really mind them, I was busy laughing at the horrified screams of those who didn't make it out. After that, I watched the burnt bodies lying on the floor. I turned around and saw Takeshi again. Watching me. I called him. I don't know why, I just felt like I should. He approached me with a smile on his face. He told me about his previous membership on the Yakuza, how he was jailed, how he found a new life, how the Yakuza destroyed that new life of his, and how he plans on ending the reign of The Yakuza. I realized that we shared the same goals, and so I asked him if we could do this together. He agreed and I became his partner and student. We both shared the same Ravener philosophy, the destruction of everything. We started on the destruction of The Yakuza.

Takeshi and I were unstoppable together. Anaphiel and Ravash'ad against humanity. We were doing great. Our first kill as a duo? A small gathering, about two to five Yakuza members. Takeshi increased his muscle mass and went for unarmed combat with Yakuza members that were not on fire. We established a great teamwork. Oh, we also met another fallen sister on that day. An Asharu. We established a little-to-none friendly relationship and that was it. Takeshi and I didn't plan on bringing her with us because this "war", as we both call it, was only ours. It would be unnecessary to bring an innocent one to a very dangerous mission. Besides, she didn't side with the Ravener philosophy, so whatever faction she may be, it'd not be about destruction. A Reconciler, maybe? Anyway, after our little raid, we congratulated ourselves for a job well done. Our second raid was as risky as the first one. We were given answers from a man we captured during the first raid. The problem was that the answers were only partially correct. We expected another small gathering, but what we got were a number of The Yakuza, waiting for us to show up. Humanity's mind sure did evolve to a more advanced one. We didn't have any other choice but to fight it. I received a few bullet and knife wounds at the end, but I managed to survive it. Takeshi received as much as I did, but it was worth it at the very end. We managed to kill eight Yakuza members, one captured, one escaped.

Takeshi and I could've made it to a fourth raid. We could have made our way to success and drove the Yakuza to its extinction, but one of us didn't. One of us was driven to his own extinction instead. Takeshi and I, both well and fit thanks to Gaby, were heading to our third raid. What we didn't know was that it would be our last. We silently made it to the main room, killing every guard in a silent yet swift manner. When we entered the main room, we were surprised. The room was empty. We looked around for a bit, but couldn't find any. Just as when we were about to leave, our exit was blocked by Yakuza members. We prepared for the worst, we went to our combat stance. They raised their guns toward us. Before anyone could shoot at us, a shot was fired...but neither Takeshi nor I received a bullet. We then heard sirens wailing from tue backgrounds. The police! We watched as the gang scattered like ants and fled the room. I kept them together, driven by my will to fight the gang. Takeshi warned me to escape quickly, but I refused to listen. I kept the fight, and, without any other choice, so did Takeshi. Then a group of armed men burst in my room. Before I could run for cover, I felt pain. A bullet went through my waist. I kept my stance. Then, another bullet. And another. And more. I saw Takeshi who has already got his cover from the bullets. I stared at him, knowing that this was my end. More bullets pierced through my body. I turned to the group of men firing at me, and before I could even try to invoke an invocation, I fell down. I felt my inner demon get out from Narisawa's body. I was back to my true form. Before anything else happened, I was pulled to the Abyss again. I gave Takeshi one last look and I disappeared from the mortal world. I was pulled to the Abyss like I belonged there. I was back to my cell. I was back to prison. My fellow fallen brothers and sisters. They're here.

There I was. Locked in the Abyss...again. What kept me alive all those days was the thought of Takeshi. How is he? Is he still alive? Where is he? A lot of questions ran in my mind and I felt the same feeling I felt before I escaped this prison once. This is the end, or so I thought.

Back at Los Angeles, Ava has been living at a friend's house, Samantha. It's been a year since she broke up with Joel, his ex-boyfriend and a NYPD police officer. Ava has been feeling depressed since their break-up, but Ava didn't know Joel's depression was way worse than hers. A few weeks after, she receives news from the NYPD that Joel had died in action. Apparently, Joel didn't tell anyone yet about their break up and has been keeping it to himself for a year till his last breath. The caller told Ava that Joel looked depressed and his emotions took control over him as he refused to follow protocol.

Ava feels guilty over the loss of her ex, and decides to cancel her flight to New York on the day of the funeral. He wanders at Ocean Docks, where they first met before they moved to New York.

With the help of Takeshi's memories during the war, he managed to take me out of the Abyss with the help of some ritualists. He gave them the information the ritualists needed, and in return, they summoned me with a ritual. I appeared. I looked at Takeshi and Gaby. I realized I wasn't being pulled by the Abyss. They created a shield for me. I saw a person not far from the group. A girl, crying. She was pretty, but depressed. Takeshi gave me the go signal and I raced to her body and occupied it.

I was back. Takeshi had rescued me from that Abyss. I thanked him, Gaby, and the rest as they left. Apparently, those were fallen brothers who accepted Takeshi and my call for help. I told Takeshi about my new host, her memories, and told him that I pitied her and I needed some time to get a flight to New York and visit Joel's dead body. Before I left, Takeshi offered me a house in Red County whenever I was ready to come back. I thanked him and told him that my loyalty and service will always be towards him.

When I arrived at New York, it was already the day after the funeral. I immediately went to catch up with Joel's funeral, I was already too late. I didn't know that they were gonna bury the body yesterday, and I know exactly where he's buried. I went to the place where Joel told me he wanted to be burried, and I saw his parents. His mourning parents. I watched from a tree and said in silence, "May the Slayers take care of you wherever you are."

I left for Los Angeles the next day. And now, waiting for Takeshi to pick me up from the airport.




Out of character:

1.Can you use any power in public?

There's no limitations on when I can or can not use my power in public or in private. The only thing that would stop me is the idea of being hunted, killed, or even exorcised by a religious group. So basically, yes, I can use any power in public, provided that I know the risks when doing it in public.

2.When and where is it safe to use your powers? (100 words min.)

I can use my powers anywhere and anytime, but it's really a matter of safety upon doing so. One should know the risks of revealing their true nature to anyone, even ones they trust, for Julius Caesar tells us that even a Brutus could stab your back. What I should know is when and where is it safe to use it. I can access my powers in places where I am very familiar with. I should make sure there are no security cameras or any type of cameras facing my direction. I should also make sure I am not surrounded by people or, if possible, there is no one around. Darkness can be useful when using my powers since no one can see in perfect darkness, so night time would be preferable.

4.Why is it important for a demon to keep his secret unrevealed? What could happen if his secrecy was compromised? (200 words min.)

Humanity's ignorance can be a demon's weakness. It is a commonly known fact that what humanity doesn't understand is what humanity should fear. And when they fear something, bloodshed is highly possible. They will try to hunt us down and possibly burn us while we hang from a stick, like what they did to those poor witches. Take for example if people would find an alien nowadays, they would call the police. Then the police arrives, they take their guns out and aim at the alien, even if the alien is not doing anything at that moment. We should know that when someone strong faces a weak individual the strong one wins, but if he faces a nation of weak individuals, unity wins. We should not underestimate a mere human for that human can be the cause of our death or possibly the cause to why we are brought back to the Abyss.

There are a lot of hunters out there who are very religious. When they know about us, they start to hunt us down and would not stop until we are found, captured and dead. They can perform exorcisms that would banish us back to the Abyss or they can just kill our mortal bodies and our true form will be pulled back to the Abyss.

5.What would you do if someone found out about your secret? (Min 100 words)

If someone found out about my secret, I would do whatever I could to stop him. But I should remember the consequences of my actions. First, I try something harmless, like hire a fallen with Lore of Humanity or a vampire with the Dominate discipline to erase the person's memory, or at least the part when he finds out about me. If that option is unavailable, I try to convince him, bribe him, or whatever it takes. If that option is unavailable, I could kidnap him and to put him there until he promises not to say a word about it. But if that still doesn't work and all other safe options I could pick from is unavailable, it's time for the kill. It's either his life or mine, and I choose mine.
 


Player information:

1.For how long have you been playing on Vampires, Werewolves and Humans roleplay?

Since 2016, according to my forum profile join date.

2.Make a list of your current and past characters.

Emily Aldrin - Vampire - Inactive
Nicholas Grey - Fallen - Inactive
Oliver Whitestone - Vampire - Dead

3.Do you understand that you can be CK'd or race-changed at any time?

Yes.

4.Post a screenshot (embedded with  code, no links) of your admin record and activity (include each personal account):

Spoiler for Emily Aldrin:

Spoiler for Nicholas Grey:

Spoiler for Oliver Whitestone:


5.Post the Activity Log for each of your current accounts:

Spoiler for Emily Aldrin:

Spoiler for Nicholas Grey:

Spoiler for Oliver Whitestone:

« Last Edit: June 17, 2018, 11:35:56 AM by Seaside »
Quote from: RavenCorrella
...it can't radically change someone's view of you. You are a monster.

Offline Raven Corella

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Re: Diane_Silverton ;; Annunaki ;; Faustian
« Reply #1 on: May 17, 2018, 04:14:17 PM »
You're not meant to use wattapad and you've been told this before.
Follow the format, post it there.

Online Seaside

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Re: Diane_Silverton ;; Annunaki ;; Faustian
« Reply #2 on: May 17, 2018, 04:36:50 PM »
You're not meant to use wattapad and you've been told this before.
Follow the format, post it there.

Edited, sry bout that. I'm just kinda used to wattpad cuz it makes background stories so organized.
Quote from: RavenCorrella
...it can't radically change someone's view of you. You are a monster.

Offline Iron

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Re: Diane_Silverton ;; Annunaki ;; Faustian
« Reply #3 on: May 17, 2018, 04:41:26 PM »
The spoilers of the story are somewhat confusing (what's the purpose of the first one?)


Other than that, goodluck!
If I seem unresponsive just keep messaging me.

Online Seaside

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Re: Diane_Silverton ;; Annunaki ;; Faustian
« Reply #4 on: May 17, 2018, 05:02:07 PM »
The spoilers of the story are somewhat confusing (what's the purpose of the first one?)


Other than that, goodluck!

Oh its just a guide of the chronological order of the story. Would've been more understandable if it was read on wattpad. Guess i should remove that
Quote from: RavenCorrella
...it can't radically change someone's view of you. You are a monster.

Offline Raven Corella

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Re: Ava_Tremble ;; Asharu ;; Faustian
« Reply #5 on: May 24, 2018, 12:05:22 PM »
You can't take the same visage twice and stack them.

Online Seaside

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Re: Ava_Tremble ;; Asharu ;; Faustian
« Reply #6 on: May 24, 2018, 01:58:57 PM »
Modified. Forgot to edit that
Quote from: RavenCorrella
...it can't radically change someone's view of you. You are a monster.

Offline Raven Corella

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Re: Ava_Tremble ;; Namaru ;; Faustian
« Reply #7 on: June 04, 2018, 11:06:36 AM »
Some of the question answers are repetitive. Rewrite the first answer, focus on the metaphysical aspect of demons rather than ideologies. That comes later.

Rewrite the story intro, the abyss escape scene feels like it's almost plagiarized from the book.
A paragraph is doubled.
Demons can't summon other demons, they may only teach humans to do so.

Online Seaside

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Re: Ava_Tremble ;; Namaru ;; Faustian
« Reply #8 on: June 05, 2018, 02:01:17 PM »
Some of the question answers are repetitive. Rewrite the first answer, focus on the metaphysical aspect of demons rather than ideologies. That comes later.

Rewrite the story intro, the abyss escape scene feels like it's almost plagiarized from the book.
A paragraph is doubled.
Demons can't summon other demons, they may only teach humans to do so.

Rewrite the first answer, focus on the metaphysical aspect of demons rather than ideologies: Check.

Rewrite the story intro: I can say, with complete confidence, that it's not plagiarized from the book. It's totally written without taking some parts from the book. I used my knowledge.

A paragraph is doubled: Fixed.

Demons can't summon other demons, they may only teach humans to do so: Thought demons could summon demons, I apologize. Anyway, fixed. Fetched some ritualists.


Did what you suggested.
Quote from: RavenCorrella
...it can't radically change someone's view of you. You are a monster.

Offline Raven Corella

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Re: Ava_Tremble ;; Namaru ;; Faustian
« Reply #9 on: June 05, 2018, 02:06:38 PM »
There are still some minor plot-holes left, but the story and answers are decent, and since you've a clean record and it isn't your first demon, it's acceptable.

Pending Simon & Rudy for a verdict. Good luck.

Offline Simon

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Re: Ava_Tremble ;; Namaru ;; Faustian
« Reply #10 on: June 05, 2018, 06:38:21 PM »
The answer to the 3rd question in General Knowledge is incomplete. Your approach to the story, of a 1st person narrative was a bad choice. Leaving the Abyss is treated as child's play and has no clear explanation on your demon escaping the Abyss. Further, the story revolves around you setting fire to The Yakuza but there's no single mention or portrayal of your demon's purpose (as I'm convinced the 'Yakuza killing spree' isn't it).

Revise your answers, make sure the Visages are correct, tweak the story into a proper one or rewrite it whole

Online Seaside

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Re: Ava_Tremble ;; Namaru ;; Faustian
« Reply #11 on: June 09, 2018, 06:26:47 AM »
The answer to the 3rd question in General Knowledge is incomplete.

If the How would it differ when compared to an angel's? question is what you mean, I've modified it.

Your approach to the story, of a 1st person narrative was a bad choice.

I can't see why a first person narrative would be worse than a third person narrative.

Leaving the Abyss is treated as child's play and has no clear explanation on your demon escaping the Abyss.

Kinda don't understand this a bit.

Further, the story revolves around you setting fire to The Yakuza but there's no single mention or portrayal of your demon's purpose (as I'm convinced the 'Yakuza killing spree' isn't it).

Quote
We both shared the same Ravener philosophy, the destruction of everything. We started on the destruction of The Yakuza.

The Yakuza killing spree isn't the demon's purpose. It's where they start off on their purpose.

Revise your answers, make sure the Visages are correct

Pretty sure the Visages are correct. Total of 16 form points. According to Raven, it doesn't have to be 8-8.

...tweak the story into a proper one or rewrite it whole

I'll do me and stick with this particular story. It gives a good background for my character, if accepted.
Quote from: RavenCorrella
...it can't radically change someone's view of you. You are a monster.

Offline Simon

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Re: Ava_Tremble ;; Namaru ;; Faustian
« Reply #12 on: June 14, 2018, 06:13:28 PM »
"Takeshi and I could've made it to a fourth raid. We could have made our way to success and drove the Yakuza to its extinction" is one of the points in which your story clearly shows it's contradiction with reality, wiping out the Yakuza in three raids is impossible. You say this isn't your Demon's purpose, but there's no other purpose portrayed in the story, while the Character Story question itself asks you to specify your character's purpose.

Online Seaside

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Re: Ava_Tremble ;; Namaru ;; Faustian
« Reply #13 on: June 14, 2018, 07:06:24 PM »
"Takeshi and I could've made it to a fourth raid. We could have made our way to success and drove the Yakuza to its extinction" is one of the points in which your story clearly shows it's contradiction with reality, wiping out the Yakuza in three raids is impossible.

The Yakuza was never wiped out. Nor was it wiped out in just three raids. And these three raids didn't happen in a span of 24 hours, obviously would be unrealistic. It was just a small fraction of their doing.

What I'm saying there is that we COULD have completed our mission if that unfortunate event didn't happen.

You say this isn't your Demon's purpose, but there's no other purpose portrayed in the story, while the Character Story question itself asks you to specify your character's purpose.

It isn't. It's the destruction of this physical world. They start on the destruction of Yakuza. But, if you want me to add a part where Anaphiel specifically decides to join the Ravener philosophy, I can do that. I just don't understand what you're saying a bit.
« Last Edit: June 14, 2018, 07:08:46 PM by Seaside »
Quote from: RavenCorrella
...it can't radically change someone's view of you. You are a monster.

Online Seaside

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Re: Ava_Tremble ;; Namaru ;; Ravener
« Reply #14 on: June 16, 2018, 10:50:47 AM »
I finally found where I was wrong. I thought I changed my faction to Ravener already, seems like it didn't save after all. The faction problem should be fixed.
Quote from: RavenCorrella
...it can't radically change someone's view of you. You are a monster.